Happy Valley Horror?
Posted by: Loren Coleman on April 1st, 2008
Happy Valley group concerned school will harm Bigfoot habitat
A local environmental group has vowed to stop construction of a new Coweta elementary school, claiming the work will destroy the habitat of a Bigfoot-like creature known as the Happy Valley Horror.
“The Board of Education of Coweta County is going to build a new elementary school on Jim Starr Road and forever change our quiet country life,” said Michael Bright, head of the newly-formed group Save The Happy Valley Horror (STHVH).
“My concern is that this area is known to be the home of the infamous and rare Happy Valley Horror,” Bright said. “The Horror has been seen by several residents recently and is the only one known to exist. If this habitat is disturbed it will surely mean the demise of a truly unique part of Coweta County’s history. Please help us stop this travesty by alerting concerned citizens before it’s too late.”
The Horror was first reported in 2005 when a resident mailed the Times-Herald anonymously to say he had seen what he described as “an enormous, very hairy” beast walking upright in a field on Happy Valley Circle.
The letter went on to say, “It scared me to death!” and concluded by asking if anyone else had reported seeing something resembling… “a Bigfoot.”
After the first sighting, The Times-Herald launched an investigation. A possible indication of an environmental intruder was a recently-noted shortage of armadillos in the area. Armadillos are suspected to be a favorite food of Bigfeet.
A Happy Valley Circle resident, speaking on condition of anonymity, told The Times-Herald, “I used to dodge armadillos every week just driving home from work. But not any more.”
Research also indicated most Bigfoot sightings occur near a stream or other body of water. Lake Redwine, located on Happy Valley Circle, offers enough water to support a large Bigfoot population — but at the time, Lake Redwine residents had not reported seeing large, hairy creatures, except for the resident who caused a stir when he was spotted walking home late at night from a Davy Crockett Day party wearing a large coonskin hat.
“You see a big hairy head like that, what are you supposed to think?” asked the resident who reported the sighting. “Even at Lake Redwine you don’t see stuff like that.”
The Times-Herald also interviewed Coweta County EMS and 911 director Eddie Ball.
“We haven’t heard a thing about a Bigfoot,” said Ball. “And I’m glad, because that last thing sure did stir up a fuss.”
The “last thing” referred to by Ball is the Belt Road Booger, which Ball is actually credited with naming. Years ago, lawmen and emergency personnel were flooded with reports of a large, hairy, two-legged critter roaming the Belt Road area on Newnan’s west side, scaring residents half to death.
The Booger has not been reported since the Clinton Administration, but research shows that Bigfoot-type creatures have been spotted in Georgia over the years, including one just south of Griffin.
Since the 2005 incident The Times-Herald has been in contact with the Chattahoochee Bigfoot Organization and the Bigfoot Research Organization. No new Coweta sightings have been reported, although a woman said her super-sized underwear kept disappearing from her clothesline.
STHVH leader Bright says the lack of contacts probably means the beast has found a new location where it can breed and watch SportsCenter unmolested. Bright believes if the school is built, The Horror will lose its last refuge and possibly, its life.
“This would be a crime of the magnitude of the Tennessee River snail darter and the western spotted owl,” Bright says. “Global Warming has already killed thousands, maybe millions of species. But nobody cares because they’re mostly bugs. This one is different. It has a fur coat. And it must be saved.”
Coweta school board officials would not comment, citing privacy concerns about future students at the planned school, including possible offspring of the Horror who might qualify for the pre-K program.
Bright said donations to pay for legal fees and pizza are being accepted. They are not tax-deductible, but Bright said, “donations are way cool anyway.”
Those wishing to contribute may write Bright for instructions at [deleted] Newnan, GA [deleted].
“People talk about wanting to save the world,” Bright says. “Why not start right here at home. It may be a Horror, but it’s our Horror and it deserves to be saved.” ~ By Alex McRae.
(The preceding was a special April Fool’s Day report published 4/1/08 in The Times-Herald, with the link noted by clicking the article’s title.)
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As a resident of Griffin you had me going for about two sentences there Loren . Thanks for the chuckle .
Going out on a limb… April Fool’s Day joke?
My favorite quote: “Global Warming has already killed thousands, maybe millions of species. But nobody cares because they’re mostly bugs. This one is different. It has a fur coat. And it must be saved.” [insert emphatic hand gesture, begin call to arms]. Running a close second: “Coweta school board officials would not comment, citing privacy concerns about future students at the planned school, including possible offspring of the Horror who might qualify for the pre-K program.” Imagine how big the hopscotch course would be…
Hey, even bigfoot deserves a seven course meal every now and then…an armadillo and a sixpack.
LOL…”her super-sized underwear kept disappearing from her clothesline.”
A modest female BF, maybe?! Very funny.
He, he. The gag becomes more obvious as one makes their way through the article. “donations for legal fees and pizza…are way cool anyway.” April Fool’s!
Q: If the offspring went to the school, where in the class would it sit?
A: Anywhere it damn well pleases!
All very droll.
“Imagine how big the hopscotch course would be… ”
More like “Leapscotch”, actually…
But, hey, we are always assuming that Bigfoot sightings near subdivisions and other housing occur because we are invading (hence destroying) the creature’s territory, but perhaps… just perhaps… it’s the other way around; perhaps it’s because the creature is yearning and searching for some way to become integrated with our society, to join our gatherings (schools, churches, weddings, bar mitzvahs, picnics etc) and become a productive mamber of our society!
Perhaps we should make an effort to provide more oversized garments for them to wear, not just undies but pants, shirts, shoes, even ties and yarmulkes, items that they have no other way to acquire, to help them integrate with us!
Gotta be a cartoonist out there somewhere (perhaps Ted “BugSport” Bastian or Luke “Crazyfingers” Bazoon?) who could draw up a poster that could be hung on trees in Bigfoot areas, with the clothing attached?
Anybody interested may eMail me at [deleted] or snail-mail me at [deleted], Mailbox [deleted], County Road [deleted], Loose Belt, AR, with ideas about [deleted] or [deleted], or donations that will fit a really large creature with an enormous [deleted].
Very funny, Loren!!!
Happy April Fools Day, Loren and everybody else!!!