Posted by: Loren Coleman on August 21st, 2009
Cryptomundo reader Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde) sends in a guest blog that is a roadmap to a cryptofiction television series. On this day, it seems like an enjoyable way to ponder our view of the world. (I’ve added images to enhance this contribution.) ~ Loren
Click on image for full-size version
Above, created by artist Tom Holtkamp, circa 1999, is an unpublished full panel (only revealed if you click on it).
Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde) writes:
Ok, I’m getting the idea for a crime-solving procedural-type show but with a twist (much the way Numb3rs focuses on using math to solve crimes). This show would feature an author named Loren who decides to use the *unique* knowledge his research has provided to function as a consultant for various police forces. The funny thing is that no one hires him *before* he does his work, as his modus operandi is pointing out cases where the police have drawn wrong conclusions. Once he shows them their errors, they hire him to help solve the case. His agreement allows him to write about his casework on a blog, and any consulting fees go towards his pet project and magnum opus, a museum dedicated to his most unique research subject.
Scenes would go something like this:
Coroner: “Now, Mister, I’m telling you, these two people died of dog bites.”
Loren (whips sheet off body, turns body over): “Then how do you explain the suction cup marks?”
Coroner: “I… um… those ain’t hickeys?”
Loren (holding large pocket knife): “Not if my theory that we’ll find pockets of venom beneath the skin is correct. Just let me…”
Coroner: “Say, how did you get a knife into here past the deputies and the metal detector, anyway?”
Loren: “I smuggled it in in my beard.”
Drawn by Peter Loh, 2006.
Yet Another Coroner: “I’m telling you, Loren, this man’s cause of death is dog.”
Loren (sighs): “…There’s not even any dog bites on this one!”
Coroner: “Well, maybe one of those hairless ones scared him to death… this guy TOLD us it was dogs that did it. He used his last breaths to write the word ‘mongrel’ on the ground in his own blood. We have a picture of it.”
Loren (snatches photograph): “Let me see that.”
(Loren examines photograph with magnifying glass.)
Coroner: “Where did you…”
Loren: “I smuggled it in in my beard. And this doesn’t say ‘mongrel’, it says ‘mongol’.”
Coroner: “I thought he was just a bad speller.”
Loren removes a voltmeter from his beard.
Coroner: “Gee, with a beard like that, a man doesn’t need pockets.”
Loren: “And a man who doesn’t need pockets doesn’t need pants.”
Coroner: “Now I know why you have a work-at-home job.”
Loren places one connector in each ear of the victim and presses a button. The needle on the voltmeter swings all the way to the right.
Loren: “Tell me Jake, have you ever heard of a Mongolian death worm?”
Created by Peter Loh.
Episode 100: “Loren’s Worst Case Ever!”
Loren (sweating, shaking): “I… I never thought I’d be saying this, but… with this hair sample… I mean… maybe it WASN’T a Yeti that strangled him. Maybe it was… a … a beaver.”
Coroner glares at Loren incredulously.
Loren: “Well, not _one_ beaver. Um… a… a whole string of them…. in a line… you know, wrapped around his neck….”
Coroner: “But how would they get all the way up-”
Loren (wiping tear from eye as he examines chromatography results): “A… an owl…”
Coroner: “Dang! I thought I’d FINALLY figured one of these things out right the first time!”
Coroner bangs fist down on corpse’s chest, corpse coughs and something comes out of its mouth.
Coroner: “What’s that?”
Loren (examining item): “A.. a piece of…. windsail…”
Loren begins sobbing and collapses on top of corpse.
Coroner: “Do you need a-”
Loren (removing tissue from beard): “No thanks, I’ve got one….”
“I know there’s tire marks… but what if he were run over by a ChupaCabbie?”
“Captain Springle, I have evidence that the real culprit was a phantom clown… release Carrot Top immediately!”
Loren bursts through the doors of a small Maine police station.
Captain: “Who let him in here again? Every time he comes in here it’s trouble. We already shot down your theory. I’m telling you Loren… sociologist… sociopath… it’s a fine line with you!”
Loren: “But I was thinking… what if the black panther were an ALBINO???”
Captain: “Get the hell out.”
To avoid copyright issues with another crime show, we’d call it “Cole Case”. I think it could be a hit… or at least do better than most of the reality shows on tv. Oh, and there’d be a Crypto-mobile. ~ Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde).
Personally, I’d give the working title for the proposed series as “Crypto Special Investigations,” with a none-too-subtle nod to CSI creator Anthony E. Zuiker, who is a big fan of cryptozoology, even though few people know that fact about him. ~ Loren.
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