Cryptomundo » Sasquatch on the Sulphur

Sasquatch on the Sulphur

Posted by: Craig Woolheater on March 23rd, 2007

Sasquatch on the Sulphur

If they’re hunting Yeti in Texas, can a presidential election be far behind?

“America’s King Kong” could well be in the Lone Star State. Up “in a swampy area that looks prehistoric in the vicinity of Paris, Texas,” to be exact.

At least that where a California group, sponsored by a New Hampshire company, plans on finding The Six Million Dollar Man’s toughest adversary, Bigfoot. And of course it’s all part of a reality tv show to be aired on the Discovery Channel, Capturing Bigfoot. Really. I wouldn’t kid about this stuff.

The Scientology State’s “Bigfoot explorer” C. Thomas Biscardi — who has spied six Sasquatches in the brief span of 34 years! — will lead a highly trained group sponsored by The Granite State Paranormal Society (which is normally active only every four years during presidential primaries).

Plenty of facts are already known about Bigfoot, not all of them culled only from The Legend of Boggy Creek. For instance, based on triangulated cell phone calls, Sasquatches have been proven to be migratory critters.

In olden days, Yeti moseyed along the Chisholm Trail. Biscardi possesses a startling tintype made by famed photographer Matthew Brady of a cowboy-hatted Bigfoot posing with Gus McCall after a long cattle drive, just before they both entered the whorehouse in the background. This photographic relic has been carbon-dated to either 1849 or 500 million years ago, depending on whether a Christian organization did the dating.

Later, Bigfoots took to hoofing it along Route 66, often trying to hitch rides while leaning lazily against Burma Shave signs (which explains why some believe Yetis speak only in bad rhyme), but Eisenhower’s interstate system put an end to that.

Today, Sasquatches, still anxious to get back to the Northwest each summer, slink from Florida, The Copyright by Disney State, to Washington, The $8 Coffee, Sucker! State — mainly by slinking behind trees and avoiding Oklahoma, The State to Avoid Altogether.

Judging from years of accumulated Yeti credit card receipts, BFE Biscardi is pretty sure a Bigfoot will be hanging around Paris on March 28-31. To capture this gigantic, hairy, stinky, yet somehow elusive creature, Biscardi will be armed with all sorts of high-tech devices. Like:

• a sophisticated helmet that will deliver real-time audio and video information back to Biscardi’s command post. The trick, of course, is getting a Yeti to put the helmet on. Oh, wait, BFEs wear those … .

• electronic devices placed along known game trails, at watering holes like the Sulphur River, and other locations where Bigfoot evidence like footprints and dung heaps the size of UFOs have been found;

• the elaborate BF-ELF, Bigfoot Extremely Low Frequency, a receiver that can pick up and monitor the ELFs that BFs apparently emit, mega-low communication frequencies much like those emitted by whales or film students;

• the “Talon” — a non-lethal takedown net comprised of Kevlar/nylon and discarded East Texas minnow seines. Launched by remote control, the Talon already has captured six raccoons, a nutria, and an exceptionally tall, hairy, smelly squirrel hunter.

Armed with such modern devices, a Bigfoot capture seems imminent. But what to do with one? Put it on display like King Kong? That didn’t work out so hot, even in Peter Jackson’s remake. Give Sasquatch a basketball? That’s possible — locker room gossip notes that Dirk Nowitzki may actually be a shaved Yeti.

The answer is most likely found by examining the search’s sponsor. With the 2008 primaries looming so large and New Hampshire (of course!) being the launching pad for political aspirants, it’s clear that a Bigfoot is being groomed to be our next president.

After all, it’s a race of one-namers: Obama, Hillary, Rudy, Newt. Two-namers — John Edwards, John McCain — have no chance. Polls already show Hillary at 34 percent, Obama at 26, and Sasquatch at 20 — and the Big Hairy Y hasn’t even officially announced yet.

Should Bigfoot run as a Republican, certainly a Sasquatch would get more votes than a Mormon right now in America. If only he didn’t smell so bad. (Sasquatch, not Mitt Romney. Mitt is a groovy sounding one-namer, however.)

Be the first on your block to get the hot political button of ’08: “Don’t Forgeti — Vote Yeti!” They’ll start passing them out in Paris, Texas, next week. After all, it will probably be no tougher to capture a Yeti in northeast Texas in late March than it will be to get an actual presidential-caliber human into the White House in November.

Mark K. Campbell is the campaign manager for Sasquatch ’08 in that important swing section of Texas, the Golden Triangle of Weatherford, Brock, and Mile Marker 51.Mark K. Campbell
FW Weekly

At least some of the mainstream media sees through the ruse, as opposed to the last article about this upcoming “expedition.”

This entry was posted on Friday, March 23rd, 2007 at 12:06 am and is filed under Artifacts, Bigfoot, Bigfoot Report, Cryptotourism, Cryptozoology, Evidence, Expedition Reports, Eyewitness Accounts, Pop Culture, Sasquatch, Television. You can follow responses via our RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is not allowed.

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13 Responses to “Sasquatch on the Sulphur”

BugMO responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 1:22 am
Out of the many channels that broadcasts shows about Bigfoot, The Discovery Channel had made a number of good shows that I liked. But, they made a Big mistake with teaming up with THE WORST SO CALLED Bigfoot Hunter Tom Biscardi. I for one will not watch this show when it’s on TV. Don’t get me wrong, The Discovery Channel is one of my favorite channels, but anyone that teams up with Biscardi is a fool for doing so. He has done absolutely NOTHING for the field of Bigfoot research. There are a lot of other great Bigfoot researchers out there, why did they have to choose a money hungry con artist?
squatchwatcher responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 1:29 am
Well, I guess the press are finally coming around and maybe doing a little background investigating about ol’ Mr. Biscardi, heh? A pretty amusing article. To bad the Discovery channel fell for Biscardis bull.
crgintx responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 4:55 am
The Fort Worth Weakly is a psuedo-alternative free newspaper and Mark K. Campbell’s op-ed piece is about as serious as Biscardi’s scientific efforts. Any serious follower of the Texas Bigfoot search will tell you that Ol’ Hairy is more likely hangin’ around the Big Thicket and other parts farther south and not around Paris, TX. The Paris area is better known for its monster sized wild boars these days which are becoming every bit as legendary as the Texas Bigfoot.
Darkstream responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 5:22 am
Hilarious article, especially the digs at Mitt, and I’m even Mormon! I like to think Mitt is more popular than a mystery cryptid, but then the polls don’t lie. Of course, being Mormon hasn’t hurt Harry Reid, so perhaps there’s a chance for Mitt after all. Meanwhile, ole Sasquatch could probably hold his own against Al Gore in a debate. They both seem comfortable with tall tales.
raisinsofwrath responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 9:53 am
I will reserve comment until after I see the documentary.
Darkwing2006 responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 11:18 am
Why do they think Bigfoot avoids Oklahoma, it seems to me, that Oklahoma has more activity than anywhere else in the country at the moment.

And yes, I am a researcher from Oklahoma
Ceroill responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 11:46 am
Very humorous! Thanks for lightening up my morning!
bukko responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Hey, I hear ya about Oklahoma! I don’t think people take Oklahoma serious enough. I live here (Oklahoma) now, but I had been living around Mena, Arkansas… let me tell ya, It’s all prime Bigfoot territory. Once you saw southeast Oklahoma and southwest Arkansas you’d understand. It’s Bigfoot country!
rifleman responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Maybe Biscardi was the lowest bidder. There could have been a bidding war by bigfoot “experts” and old Tom came in with the lowest bid. Planting pancakes throughout the state of Texas could be a budget breaker.
bill green responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 2:29 pm
hey everyone wow very interesting article, so are the above replys as well. this situation gets bigger every week etc. thanks bill
Mike Smith responds: March 23rd, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Is BF running? Man I can’t wait.
captiannemo responds: March 24th, 2007 at 7:08 am
Biscardi ?
Isn’t that the name of some kindna cheap wine ?
squatchwatcher responds: March 24th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Hey maybe the Discovery Channel will have certain rules Biscardi will have to follow when introducing his “evidence”. (”That rotten hand you dug up from the cemetary won’t work, Mr. Biscardi.” -Biscardi-”Darn!”) HA!

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